Retro #2 - A Knight to Remember

My old elementary/junior high school (I went k-9 all in the same school) is closing its doors after 148 years of faithful service to my little home town (the new school opens up next year in the town next door). As I was reminiscing about all of the good times that I had there, I remembered a few stories that had some serious consequences relating to a my normalcy (is that a word?) or lack thereof.

It was a cool spring day in my 5th grade year. It was a day that I looked forward to with great anticipation. I was to be one of just a few students who was going to be knighted in a coronation ceremony. You see, we had a middle age theme going on all year long, and the students, who worked hard all year long and met all of the requirements of being a honor student for the year, were recognized by being knighted. I worked my little buns off (this figure of speech stinks as you will soon find out) all year long, and I was happy to find out that I was chosen to become a knight.

Well, that morning before school started, I was playing a mean game of four square out in the school yard with some buddies when all of a sudden I felt a gigantic, rrrrrrripppp. Sure enough, I had split my pants right down the middle from waste band to the south pole. Believe me, I could sure feel the antarctic air flowing right in. I hastily made a retreat into the boys bathroom, never exposing my backside to my friends as I rushed away from them running backwards the whole time. I'm pretty sure that they didn't suspect anything. I mean most kids run around backward while suddenly leaving an intense game of four square...right?

I had to come up with a plan quick. Should I run home quickly to change. No. I would not be able to get back on time to my first class, and the tardiness would tarnish my knighthood. Should I tell a friend and maybe get some advice from them. No. They would ridicule me, scarring me for life. Should I tell a teacher. No. They would ridicule me, scarring me for life. Ok, so my mind wasn't working clearly. I was under pressure and fifth graders aren't known for their advanced problem solving skills.

Still, I thought up a fool proof plan. I would just tie my jacket around my waste and cover up that good old hole and my problem was solved. But...then I thought of a slight complication. When you get knighted you have to stand at the front of everyone and genuflect as the king/queen taps your shoulders with a sword. This meant that I was essentially going to be mooning the entire 5th grade all in one ceremonious bend over.

Panic started to set in. I eventually gained control of myself as I assured myself that I didn't get to be a knight by being an under achiever. So, I thought to myself, with the jacket tied around my waste, could anyone actually be able to see anything? So I tested the waters. I knelt down on one knee in front of the bathroom mirror and assured myself that, indeed, that the whites of my undies would not be visible because my jacket hung low enough to cover all of the essential parts. My plan was indeed 'fool proof'.

The ceremony came. I approached the front to be tapped into the elite of the round table, and it was all but over before I realized my fatal error...the coronation took place up on a stand, high above the common masses. It was my introduction to trigonometry as the angle of their hypotnused glance was right up my asymptote.