Action! Wait, I Meant, Cut!

Post Orlando trip assignments were handed out by the boss and I received the job of making the movie of the whole trip experience to be shown at a post trip party to be held sometime in the near future. I took on the challenge with great enthusiasm and spent more time on making it than we actually spent on the trip. I paid great attention to detail catching all of the subtlest nuances and then enhancing them by adding our favorite Disney songs. Like matching up when my mother-in-law got pooped on by a passing pigeon with, "Mr. Bluebird's on my shoulder". You know, great stuff like that. We'll I held a pre-screening showing of the masterpiece to Jenny and Alicia. They sat and watched patiently. I did get a little nervous when in the middle of the show Jenny got up and got a notepad and started writing. I just blew it off thinking that she was just writing love notes to me.

Well, when it was all over and to my relief, they said that it was perfect. Oh how the validation endorphins started flowing. But then it happened. Jenny says, "oh, there is just one tiny thing that you might want to tweak." Hey, I could handle that, no big problem. So I'm thinking to myself, let's get this thing into mass production so it can hit the streets within the hour. But 'then it happened', continued to happen. "And maybe after you do that you can change this...and that" for infinitum. By the time that the bloody barrage was over and my tender heart beat for maybe its last time, the movie no longer resembled anything of goodness and rightness and testosterone. Me and my movie had been neutered. The academy of motion pictures won't even let me put my name on the credits anymore because there isn't even a trace of my DNA left in it. Oh well, what's a person supposed to do...oh, blog about it.

In all fairness, maybe it is a little better now. Ok, maybe a lot better now.

Aging Gracefully with My Car

I drive carefully home yesterday because we received over 2 feet of new snow. The Roads were a mess, but I made it into our small town ok. While driving down the road towards our house I was making a comment to myself about how high the snowbanks were (6-8 feet), when all of a sudden a truck with a plow came flying out of a driveway attempting to push some snow across the road and just nailed me.

The guy felt bad especially after he saw how damaged my car was. So, we make a walk around my car trying to assess the damage. He would point out things and say, "wow, that's bad!", and I would have to say, "Um, that was all ready there." We continued this process for about 10 minutes, and each time he pointed things out, I could see no distinguishable difference from how the car was before. We finally just gave up, and I drove away.

By the way, his snow plow was totalled.

Funny thing about this is that I no longer get embarrassed by how my car looks. I think that I have arrived at white trash nirvana.

The Dog Ate My Idol

The Tuesday night ritual of going over to my brother's house to watch AI continues. I swear the kids said that they had all of their homework done, but when we got home, they all mysteriously realized that they had about 28 hours worth, due the next morning.

What could they possibly tell their teachers was their excuse for not having it done? There is going to be serious consequences, like forcing them to listen to Tatiana laugh over and over and over again.

WT on Parade Part Deux

Everyone asked for photos to go along with the stories. Well...then again I don't think anyone asked for the stories. Oh well, you'll get some anyway. These are mainly random photos. I will allow Jenny to post any decent photos at her own leisure. We actually took nearly 700 of them.

Her Name Was Lola

Have you ever felt like the only other seat in the vehicle you're driving, regardless of the vehicle, is a back seat. You know, the one from which all the mistakes you make in driving gets announced from. Well, I found the solution to all of my driving ailments. Her name is Lola, well actually in my case, it's Karen. Lola teamed up with my father-in-law, but you just got to love the name. She also has the sexy foreign voice to go with it. Karen does too, she comes from Australia. I think Lola's British. They have such soothing voices and they never complain. The worst that I have heard Karen say when I made a mistake was, "recalculating". It brought my stress level down to about zero on this trip. Yes, these were our GPS units: the greatest gift to men since the introduction of the gas grill. I will never have to stop and ask for directions again; not that I ever did anyway, but now all I hear when I drive aimlessly around without a clue is the soft intones of Karen saying, "recalculating", which I think she's really saying is, "Rex, you're one great guy". Oh, sure I could reprogram the GPS to have Bill from the Bronx talk to me, but 'recalculating' just wouldn't hold the same meaning for me.

Picking Fruit, Key Lime Pie, The Golden Corral, and American Idol

Everyone had at least one thing on their list that they had to do to make them feel like their trip was a success. I did my best to try and accommodate everyone's needs.

For my brother John, he wanted to be able to pick an orange right off of a tree. So, everytime we were on the freeway and I saw some lonely orange tree on the side of the road, I offered to stop, even if I had to hold up traffic for awhile so he could run out and climb up the tree to pick his precious fruit. So for some reason he never took me up on the offer. Heck everyone had a tree in their yard, it would be so easy. My brother eventually did get his orange but we were in the deep dark jungle with no one else around for hundreds of miles before he felt comfortable about picking his prize. I guess he felt the same about that as we do about picking our noses.

My mother-in-law, Pam, wanted to eat Key Lime Pie. So, first thing after picking up our rental cars at the airport, we stopped by the local COSTCO. Thanks Karen for the help (see above for clarification). This pie was the size of the State of Texas. We went through it like a bank handing out bonuses from an economic stimulus package. I thought that I would score some extra son-in-law points, so early one morning, I snuck out and bought another pie for Pam. It was more on the Rhode Island scale, (do they have special taxes on keys, limes, or pies in Florida because it was one expensive baby). I must have done something right, though, 'cuz when Pam bit into it she said that it was the 'real' type of key lime, with all of the glorious fattening ingredients. I kind of strutted around like, "yeah, I know my pies." Don't anyone tell her that I almost just bought a single lime with a package of sweetener. Sometimes, it does pay just to splurge.

For my parents, they wanted to take us out to the Golden Corral for dinner. I know here at home, the average age in one of these places is 113, and a walker comes with the tray. So I knew that in Florida, the geriatric capital of the U.S. was going to be quite an adventure. You just have to keep your eye on small children to make sure that they don't get caned to death in the stampede to the baked sweet potatoes. I mean no offense to my parents, it was a great gesture on their part and we all had a great time and filled ourselves to overflowing. It was funny, though, my parents had been debating for weeks which Golden Corral they wanted to take us to, I guess that they go through a rotation of 3 or 4, and they each had their favorites. I could just see their neighbors in their apartment complex calling the police over a domestic dispute involving a discussion on who had the fluffiest rolls with cinnamon honey butter topping.

It wasn't good enough that Disney MGM studios has an attraction that does the whole American Idol competition, along with the judges and bright lights. We had to be glued to a TV when the real Idol was on. This meant watching the fireworks at the Magic Kingdom, while speeding away on the the monorail to beat the crowds. As an added bonus to us all, Idol was on three times that week. Ok, I had to admit this was one of the highlights of the trip. Everyone, almost had me convinced to try out for the competition at MGM. I think that they just wanted to have a good laugh, but I think that I could have taken that sixteen year old and maybe even won a golden ticket to go to the front of the line to any American Idol competition in the Country. I think the real competition has an age limit of 29, so either I would have to go get some botox done or let the younger budding hopefuls have a chance. I graciously decided to step aside.

Talking Birds out, Singing Midgets In

For the most part we wanted the full Disney World Experience; if they had it, and if we had time, we wanted to experience it. We allowed the family to opt out on only one thing and it came down to two attractions: It's a small world and the Tiki Room. The terribly annoying song that keeps repeating itself over and over and over again won out 10-1 over the other terribly annoying song that keeps repeating itself over and over and over again. From my disturbed look in this picture, you can probably guess who the 1 was.

The Art of Adding Rules

Our four-year old Andrew is extremely competitive. I am quite sure he doesn't get it from me, I always win, so I don't have to worry about silly competitive things. He also loved the swimming pool that we had at the house. The two of us logged in some pretty long late night hours in the pool. By the time we would get out of the pool, I would look like a prune and he would look like a raisin. Well, back to the competitive thing. Andrew developed a game in the pool that consisted of him tossing a ball to me. At first it was good-natured fun, until I didn't catch it once and then the following conversation ensued:

Andrew: I won
Me: What?
Andrew: You dropped the ball so I won.

Not wanting to be out done by a 4-year old, I got my game face on.

Me: Ok bring it on

Andrew throws the ball and I catch it.

Andrew: Oh, you can't put your hands up.

So, I put my hands down and he gets some balls by me.

Andrew: I won (Repeated each throw)

I finally catch one

Andrew: Oh, you can't stand that far away

I comply. He throws. I miss repeatedly

Andrew: I won (Repeated each throw)

I'm in full competitive mode by now, and I snag one.

Me: Yeah! who's your daddy!!

Not missing a beat and with a stoic face.

Andrew: Oh, you have to stand on your head.

Or some other outlandish request. Of which we repeat this process several times. Each time making it harder for me to catch the ball, and he more gleefully announcing that he had won each time I failed. Until, finally I cracked.

Me: Hey, Andrew you keep changing the rules, that's not fair.

With his best Dead Pan reply.

Andrew: I don't change the rules, I just add them.

So you're a Stick in the Mud...We have a job for you

Disney is so smart. We were told that they employ over 50,000 people. I'm thinking to myself, that is one heck of a collection of happy people. How is that humanly possible? Then I thought, they only have to hire people that like what they do. If you like being sullen and depressed you still can contribute to the 'Happiest Place on Earth'. There's Eeyore, all the Disney Villains, The Haunted Mansion, The Tower of Terror, etc.

All making money while having a scowl on their face. I guess Disney pays people, or do people work there for the pure pleasure of bringing joy to people's lives?

Stroller Dependency

We goofed. The first day we went to the park without a stroller for Andrew. He did great, he ran everywhere and had a good 'ole time. He was pretty tired, though, by the end of the day. We felt pretty bad so I ran to Walmart to buy a cheap stroller, which I have to admit was one of the best $15 purchases of my life. The Walmart experience wasn't all that charming, as I mentioned in my last post, but we were now set, ready to go.

It didn't take Andrew long to figure out that the stroller thing was a pretty cushy gig. In fact Megan, his older sister, soon picked up on this and was trying to get a ride any chance she could. I have to admit that I was pretty tempted to ride in that thing myself. Well, a strange phenomenom occurred. Andrews legs quite working. He became crippled. There was no more walking or running (just at times, I should clarify) like he did on the first day when he had to go it sans stroller. He became a stroller addict. The withdrawals seemed to be life threatening, as Steve and I kept saying to ourselves, "happiest place on earth" (further clarification for this statement can be found on the last post). Don't get me wrong, he wasn't that bad, but it was funny to see him limping around a little bit. He has such the flare for the dramatic.

Potluck Section

Air Temperature: 50

Water Temperature: 50

Combined IQs: 50















Cheesebuuuuurger!!!!!


Hey, Steve, would you share a bite?











AAAAH, that $25 a day for pool heat was well worth it.














African version of the Chicken Dance?


Man, I'm good.














Yeah, I know you've seen this one all ready. Plus, your asking the question, "Will anyone ever come up with an original photo idea?".












The acrobats in the China Pavilion at EPCOT have some stiff competition













Home Sweet home. Just don't accidentally go into the wrong house because they all look the same.













You didn't believe me when I said that Dave got wet on every water ride, well here is some proof.














Even Goofy had some time to play a little tag.

White Trash on Tour

Well, a trip to DISNEY WORLD with 9 adults (including 3 sets of grandparents) and 4 kids must have some 'white trash' stories worth saving or at least writing about, RIGHT?

Did You Send Out the Snow Plows?

On our first day at Magic Kingdom, I got a call on my cell phone. It was my boss. He was talking about how the temperatures were quite cold and was wondering what type of salt mixture that I was going to have the snow crews put on the roads in anticipation of the big snow storm that was coming (If you don't know, I'm an engineer for the Utah Department of Transportation). I immediately realized that he forgot that I wasn't in Utah. I said, "Well, I don't quite know what would be best to use in this situation but it is 80 degrees where I am". There was a long awkward pause...

Finally he said, "say hi to Mickey for me, you *&%$*#!!!"

Who Needs a Garden Gnome?

My Brother had a plastic girl elf (I think he thinks that it is his girlfriend) that we took pictures of everywhere with the cell phone and then emailed them back to the group of teachers that he works with.

BIRD POOP

What can I say? Sometimes **it just happens. Even at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Happiest Place on Earth

My father-in-law, Steve, and I would gleefully amuse ourselves by repeating the phrase, "happiest place on earth!" and smirk at each other every time we saw any child that was behaving in a way that would get themselves a regular bum whooping if they were not in public.

OH, The Lines

The longest line on our trip about drove me crazy. I about lost all the patience that I could muster. I could see the front of the line when I entered the queue, but it never seemed like the line would move. Oh, they tried to make the wait in line more exciting by having a lot of tantalizing pictures on the sides of the lines to try to get you in the mood of the attraction. This did nothing for me. Everyone around me seemed not to mind the wait, in fact, they seemed to have enthusiasm that couldn't be diminished. This angered me even more. They finally opened up another line, but still it was all that I could take standing there. Finally, when I got to the front of the line, I finally realized why it had taken so long. The employee directing the operations was very methodicaly skilled in her organizational abilities, but was slower than molasses. In fact all the employees were slower than sin. When I finally made it through the exit, I felt totally drained and depressed. If you can't tell by now what the attraction was, let me tell you. I wasn't at Disney World, it was Wally World. Yep, It took me 30 minutes to get through the check out line at the local Walmart.

As for Disney World, we walked pretty much onto everything we wanted without any lines.

Kobe, Al, & Me

While waiting to get on the ride called Soarin' at EPCOT we started a conversation with one of the Disney Cast Members. We had just been placed in line marking out where we would sit when we moved onto the ride. She told us how they recently had two famous people ride the ride: Kobe Bryant and Al Gore. They always brought people in like this through side doors and then placed them on the very best seat on the ride. We realized that I was actually slotted to be in that very seat. When I thought about sitting in the exact same place that Kobe and Al had just recently sat, I was quite overwhelmed and blurted out, "I guess I'll never wash my bum again"

DEAD SILENCE...

FRENCH PUFFS

Everyone has their favorite spots at the Parks, but mysteriously all thirteen of us seemed to lock in to our 'Happy Spot' all at once. It was at the French Pastry shop at EPCOT. We ordered about every available pastry that they had. Who cared that it cost approximately $4,562.98 per piece, we were happy. On the count of three we all dug in and devoured every morsel in less than 1.3 seconds. It was the best sugar high that I've ever had. To add to the excitement, we returned another day, just to go back to this pastry shop. This time buying everything again, with multiple pieces of our favorites. This time I think we did it in 1.1 seconds. I was surpisred that no small children were devoured by mistake. No sooner then when we had finished everything off and as we sat there looking collectively like Oliver Twist as he begged for one more tiny morsel ("please sir, can I have some more") Some lady took pity on us. She must of thought that our white trash group had saved up our last pennies to buy one last meal that was not nearly enough to feed us all and that we then would shrivel up and die, came to us and said as she left a package of cookies,"I think that you need these more than I, you poor things."


















I'll SAVE SOME MORE FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT

The Dawn of a New Writing Day, aka Beans and Weenies

As many of you might know I have been sharing space with a friend on a blog called 'No Embellishment' at noembellishment.blogspot.com where we tell stories and hope someone out there believes them. I have had fun with that blog and will continue to post as something strikes my funny bone. I am starting this blog to focus on the funny things that happen to our family.

This will really be a companion blog to my wife's at belligerentblogging.blogspot.com. She has asked me to help with carrying out the load of what she calls 'white trash' stories. She'll continue to dish out the wieners, and I will maybe add a few beans to our smorgasbord of family irony. Hold on tight and don't forget to bring along your jocular beano.