Clean Hands and a Pure Heart

Emails will always come back to haunt you. Here is an email that was sent to me and others that was attached to a room being scheduled. unfortunately, it was intercepted by the librarian. The best case of "whoops" that I have ever seen.


Rex has graciously volunteered to bring down a bootleg copy of the movie he made for this year's Engineer's Conference. Bring your lunch to the library conf. room at noon, but make sure the Nazi Librarian doesn't see it. Or we could eat lunch at 11:30 and then go in and view the movie with clean hands and a pure heart. It's only 15 minutes long, but I scheduled an hour just in case we want to see it 4 times (if it's really good).


Now we know that big brother is always watching, because here is the intercepted reply:

I should warn you that the "Nazi Librarian" sees all, and prefers the "clean hands" and allegedly "pure heart" course of action. But she has been known to enjoy smacking around Anarchists who torch the rule book. So choose well.



Seig Heil!


(name withheld)

Nazi Librarian

I don't know when I laughed harder: when I got this email or when my friend had to pass the librarian when we went into the library conference room. Only one word comes to mind for my friend: BAAAAA! (sheepish sheep sound)

The Faux Pas

Have you ever experienced any socially awkward situations? My wife says that I can't experience anything but. Here are my top three categories of embarrassing situations:

1. The Misintended attention grabber. This one tops my list, I think by far. It can come in several forms. The first is when someone waves and you wave back only to realize too late that they were waving to someone else. Ouch, that one stings. Even worse for me is when you are in a meeting and someone from outside the room tries to get your attention. Upon engaging some form of contact back with this person you suddenly realize that they were trying to communicate with someone behind you. To make matters worse is when you leave the room to join them only to find out you weren't the person that they were trying to get the attention of. To solve this problem, I simply have the policy to just ignore the person regardless of how frantic they get with the arm waving.

2. The Misunderstood word. This one is so commonplace for me because I am deaf, that it doesn't warrant much attention. Everyone experiences this one from time to time. Like when someone asks if you want a raspberry tart and you say something like, "fart? No I haven't fluffed for at least five minutes." The kicker for me on this one is that it extremely bothers my spouse, who is so embarrassed when this happens to me that she usually falls on the floor writhing in embarrassing agony, which generally causes me a little embarrassment.

3. The Trip and Fall. This one can have so many variations that it warrants mention. It usually entails catching your toe on some edge or bonking your head on something. The situation usually is worsened by the fact that you doing something totally stupid right after you do it to cover up the misstep, which generally draws more attention to yourself. For instance, this last Sunday I had to conduct some pretty important business in front of a religious congregation. As I finished and turned around to head back to my seat I tripped over a small chair that was placed strategically in the wrong place for an upcoming children's program. Well, immediately upon tripping I start doing a little soft shoe dance routine as if the whole thing had been choreographed. Not a very smooth thing to do when in front a large body of people who are trying to feel the spirit. I can visualize Jenny now writhing on the floor after reading this.

Has anyone else ever experienced any embarrassing moments?

Pride and Prejudice

It is amazing what types of pain we are willing to endure with the right type of motivation. Motives, though, are just as likely to be bad as they are good, even though the results are as rosy as a Jane Austen novel sunset-ed ending.

Take for instance this morning while swimming in the pool. I was cruising along minding my own business when this young athletic type lady gets into a swimming lane next to me. This lady has been a regular at the pool, and so I am familiar with her swimming abilities. It gets a little complicated, but it is often good to know people's swimming abilities when the pool gets crowded and you have to share lanes with multiple people. The last thing that you want to do is have a head on collision with someone at torpedo ramming speed. I've never reached speeds anywhere close to that, but there are a few speedsters out there that, occasionally, I have heard break the sound barrier. Either that or they are 'passing' more than just fellow swimmers.

Anyway, I am really digressing. It's good to know how fast a person swims, if they tend to drift left or right, etc., so if it is crowded you can make the appropriate course corrections at the right times, anticipating whatever dangers the other swimmer might pose to you. Well, this lady that I am referring to is a good consistent swimmer that starts out fast and then settles into a pace that I can usually lap every 8 or 9 laps (believe me there are very few that I can do this to). She hopped into the pool, sped through her first couple of laps and then settled into a drafting pattern right astern to me. I thought that this was odd so I cranked up the speed a little. She continued to match my speed, which really began to bug me. I was thinking to myself, "she can't do this to me, I'm supposed to be kicking her backside."

So, I pushed on hitting each lap faster and faster, still not being able to shake her. The pain began to steadily increase as I pumped my arms and legs faster and faster. All of this additional flailing began to cause a slight wardrobe malfunction. The knot in the trunks of my waistband began to come lose and my shorts started creeping south. I ignored it at first, but eventually the feeling of my shorts riding too low began to be as uncomfortable as the pain I was experiencing in my lungs and arms. I was not about to stop for the 2 seconds that it would take to stop and readjust the main sail and batten down the hatch. She would over take me causing a rift in the space time continuum, dropping me in the all important swimmer's pecking order if I got passed. I was not going to be outdone, besides it was my duty to keep everything right in the universe. So, I forged on, and my shorts kept creeping off.

She kept pace with me for a good 3/4 of a mile, a few times coming close to passing me, but every time I was always able to find something extra to keep me ahead. Eventually, I slowly began to pull away getting a half lap up on her. I knew that I had broken her spirit or was it simply that she became ill when she noticed that my swim trunks were down to my knees? I do know that I had set a new personal best by 5 minutes in 1 1/2 miles.

The question still lingers for me. Was my triumph a result of my pride or due to my prejudice?
Answers maybe only a Victorian era author would know.

[Is it just a coincidence that it seems like the majority of my stories involve having problems keeping my toushie covered?]

Retro #2 - A Knight to Remember

My old elementary/junior high school (I went k-9 all in the same school) is closing its doors after 148 years of faithful service to my little home town (the new school opens up next year in the town next door). As I was reminiscing about all of the good times that I had there, I remembered a few stories that had some serious consequences relating to a my normalcy (is that a word?) or lack thereof.

It was a cool spring day in my 5th grade year. It was a day that I looked forward to with great anticipation. I was to be one of just a few students who was going to be knighted in a coronation ceremony. You see, we had a middle age theme going on all year long, and the students, who worked hard all year long and met all of the requirements of being a honor student for the year, were recognized by being knighted. I worked my little buns off (this figure of speech stinks as you will soon find out) all year long, and I was happy to find out that I was chosen to become a knight.

Well, that morning before school started, I was playing a mean game of four square out in the school yard with some buddies when all of a sudden I felt a gigantic, rrrrrrripppp. Sure enough, I had split my pants right down the middle from waste band to the south pole. Believe me, I could sure feel the antarctic air flowing right in. I hastily made a retreat into the boys bathroom, never exposing my backside to my friends as I rushed away from them running backwards the whole time. I'm pretty sure that they didn't suspect anything. I mean most kids run around backward while suddenly leaving an intense game of four square...right?

I had to come up with a plan quick. Should I run home quickly to change. No. I would not be able to get back on time to my first class, and the tardiness would tarnish my knighthood. Should I tell a friend and maybe get some advice from them. No. They would ridicule me, scarring me for life. Should I tell a teacher. No. They would ridicule me, scarring me for life. Ok, so my mind wasn't working clearly. I was under pressure and fifth graders aren't known for their advanced problem solving skills.

Still, I thought up a fool proof plan. I would just tie my jacket around my waste and cover up that good old hole and my problem was solved. But...then I thought of a slight complication. When you get knighted you have to stand at the front of everyone and genuflect as the king/queen taps your shoulders with a sword. This meant that I was essentially going to be mooning the entire 5th grade all in one ceremonious bend over.

Panic started to set in. I eventually gained control of myself as I assured myself that I didn't get to be a knight by being an under achiever. So, I thought to myself, with the jacket tied around my waste, could anyone actually be able to see anything? So I tested the waters. I knelt down on one knee in front of the bathroom mirror and assured myself that, indeed, that the whites of my undies would not be visible because my jacket hung low enough to cover all of the essential parts. My plan was indeed 'fool proof'.

The ceremony came. I approached the front to be tapped into the elite of the round table, and it was all but over before I realized my fatal error...the coronation took place up on a stand, high above the common masses. It was my introduction to trigonometry as the angle of their hypotnused glance was right up my asymptote.

In the Eyes of the Beholder...Whatever!

It's about over and gratefully you will not have to hear about this darn body fat contest much longer (10 days to go in the 5 month long ordeal). When it is over I will post the before and after shots (From Jabba the Hut in episode 6 to Jabba the Hut in episode 1. I think there is a minor distinction.)

Well, to show that there is more than one opinion of my new girlish figure, I offer an alternate to the one from my last post.

Last night we were at a ward function where I nice older lady came up to me and asked if I was feeling ok. Well, I did have a slight runny nose and indicated such to her. She looked at me reprovingly and said, "No, I'm talking about the serious illness and life threatening disease that you have, it looks like you are suffering something terrible. Your body is just wasting, so I wanted to know if you are feeling ok."

Not missing a beat and not wanting to dissapoint her, I simply said, "they say that I have less than two weeks left. I'm well enough off, though, knowing the suffering is almost over."

Man, I think that the contestants on American Idol get more consitant feedback out of Paula and Simon.

It was Like Kissing Your Sister

This one's kind of embarrassing. I've been swimming at the local high school as part of a body fat contest that I have been participating in. Well, often there is a water aerobics class that I have to walk by after I'm done swimming. I'm kind of self conscience about my physique, so I kind of look away towards the outside glass as I hurriedly walk by. As I walked by the other day I heard my name called out. At first I thought that I had misheard until the whole class yells out my name. I turn and see that my niece is in the class and that she just wanted to say hi to me. Knowing that I now had the whole attention of the class, I mosey along as fast as I can.

Later that night, I get a call from my niece to hear a little confession from her. She said that her friend had seen me get out of the pool as I started walking toward the class. She motioned to my niece and said, "hey, look at that hot guy!", and she replied, "Yeah, he's kind of buff!" . Well, obviously distances are deceiving because when I got close enough she all of a sudden realized, that she had been talking about her uncle. I think that is when the nausea set in for her.

Her final comment to me on the phone was, "oh, by the way, we noticed how you were checking yourself out in the window." I've been doing all of my swimming laps ten feet under the water since then.