Swerve This Dumb Dog!

The car gods are against us. First Jenny has a close encounter of the dog kind a couple of days ago, just narrowly avoiding death and mayhem (including all involved: Jenny, Andrew, and the dog). We were all relieved that they were ok (dog excluded). Big O tires is grateful that we are addicted to spending money at their business.

Lesson taught by everyone: hit the dog after yelling "Dumb Dog!". In practice more easily said than done. I don't think that there is a raging dog killer instinct within us all. Most of us, I think, sadly fall in the category of 'Monday morning dog vehicle homicide road rage quarterbacking.' Instinct generally kicks in and we usually kill ourselves before we stop and think, "what is the right thing to do?" Though, I have heard that violent video games can cure you of this bad habit.

Alas, I digress. Back to the punitive car gods. Yesterday, while minding my own business while driving down the interstate, a large piece of metal decided to jump out of a truck ahead of me. Before I could yell, "Dumb piece of metal!" (my memory might be a little foggy, but I don't think those are the actual words I said), I tried to swerve within the confines of crowded traffic. The metal chased me down like a lion on a wildebeest on the Serengeti. It snagged my back tire shredding my tire to pieces and bent my rim.

Life's lessons are a cruel irony. Jenny swerves, misses dog, and seriously damages car #1. Rex is unable to swerve enough, hits metal, and seriously damages car #2. What's the lesson to be learned...Who the heck knows?

Well, I get the car off the road and work feverishly to get the spare on before some crazed inattentive driver tags me. Just as I was finishing up, a highway patrolman pulls up. This is how our conversation went:

Patrolman: I saw a piece of metal in the road
Me: Yup. me too. too late.
Patrolman: I threw it off the road
Me: Thanks
Patrolman: You good?
Me: Yup (only stating the obvious)

We both went on our own merry ways. I get to Big O and walk in to hear a cheery, "Hi, Rex". We're on a first name basis. "You just missed your wife," who had only picked up the other car minutes ago. He took one look at the tire and said, "I don't think we can salvage that." "What?, but the valve stem is in such good shape". There literally was not much left to the tire. Was this 'state the obvious day', and someone had forgotten to send me the memo?

Well, they replaced the tire, pounded out the rim, and sent me on my way. As I was finishing up the paperwork for the loan to pay for everything, the Bid O guy said, "Don't worry about rotating your tires." What? Did these new types of tire not need rotating? "No," he said, "You destroy them before you ever hit the mileage before they need it."

I wanted to say, "Dumb Big O Guy!"

I'm thinking of self imposing a three day waiting period on driving all our cars after any time we have any car 'incidents' in the future. At least that way we can more easily identify each separate 'incident' on the credit card billing.

Taking that Big Saddle to the Sky

Behold the sexy sleek new Skyrider.

You gotta be kidding me. I don't know what scares me more, the look of these seats or the fact that some people actually think that these are a good idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about a little discomfort if it's going to save me a reasonable amount of money. Forget the leg cramps, the simple economics of this just does not make any sense to me.

They say that they can increase capacity on an airplane by 40%. If you think that means that you are going to save 40% or more on a ticket, you got to be smoking something. I have to admit that when you start talking about saving 60% on an airline ticket, I start to get giddy and as far as I'm concerned, they could strap me on the wing and I would be happy. But...let's look at the math.

Let's consider that the 40% can be viewed equally as 40% more money to deal with. First of all, just because they can fit 40% more people doesn't mean that they will convert the whole plane to a stock yard. What? Are they going to make first class special by adding spurs, a cup holder, and a free unwedgie service at the end of the flight. I think not. So let's be over generous and say that they add 20% capacity to a flight.

Next, more people means more weight. More weight means more power and fuel to keep that thing aloft. I'll be kind and just say 5% there. Oh, and what about the new carry on dilemma. As you can see, you no longer can place anything below your seat because the only thing that is below your seat now is your feet. So now all that has to go above in the overhead bins, but wait, there are more people now in the cattle car so you will have to check more luggage. Another 10%.

Lastly, the only reason why an airline would do this is so they could increase their profit margin. How about 4.75%. Guess what? This leaves the passed on savings to you as 0.25% or about $1.00 on a good 3-hour flight. Is it worth it? Maybe for the quads workout you'll get, but other than that, I think that is a little shy of what I would need to make my tailbone happy with the imposition.

You know, the scariest thing about this is that the federal government may weigh in on the issue. In this day and age of 'no amount of constitutional rights can ever make a wrong', the president may launch a campaign to free us from the tyranny of oppressive air travel, and state that every American has the right to affordable air travel. Thus, countless billions will be given to the airline industry to upgrade all airplanes with these new seats, and without any real cost savings to you, you will be forced to ride the 'saddle'.

YEE-HAW!!!!

P.S. By the way, the lady up above is actually taking more room than she is allowed. You might notice that she would not fit in the row behind her.

An Inconvienient Non-Truth, part deux

I know that I should let this one go, but I have to put in one more jab.

I noticed since we gained that extra hour of light from Day Light Saving Time that the snow in my yard has been melting much faster.

In Newfoundland they actually move two hours when they go onto Day Light Saving Time. No wonder the polar ice caps are melting.

You can make a difference in the world, though. You can purchase what I am calling Time Piece Footprint Credits. Just send me $100 every spring to purchase your yearly credit. When you have purchased your credit, you can move your clock ahead guilt free. With every purchased credit I will rotate my own special clock back one hour to compensate for your careless disregard for the environment.

NOTE: One credit must be purchased for each clock that you own.

An Inconvienient Non-Truth

My Mother-in-Law's least favorite day of the year is coming up this weekend on March 14th. It is the introduction of Daylight Saving Time which is coming earlier than ever before. My Mother-in-Law dreads the day because she loses an hour that she feels like she never catches back up on until we go back to standard time.

I guess she is not the only one who despises the time change. A recent article in the paper was written by a lady who was complaining about the short comings of Daylight Saving Time. Her strongest argument against the change was that the extra hour of light always causes her lawn to burn up.

Well, there you have it. The first reasonable argument for the man-made (Congressional) cause of global warming.

I personally love Daylight Saving Time.

One Obit, Not too Legit

My coworker came in to me today with an obituary of his cousin. He said that he wanted me to read it, so I took it. Just as I was about to start reading he said, "by the way, just so you know. I knew this person all my life and I don't think that there is one thing that is true in this." That knowledge made the reading all the more enjoyable. (I changed the names out of respect for the family)

BIFF BROWN

Beloved husband, BIFF, 52 joined his ancestors on Friday, January 22, 2010, In West Point, Utah.

He was born November 9, 1957, to Elva Jones and Ellis Brown in Ahston, Idaho.

He married his eternal love, Betty Johnson, on October 3, 1998, in Dillon, Montana, and they’ve been inseparable ever since. He was a lifelong Marine, starting his training at age 4 with his grandfather, a holder of the Blue Lady, and enlisting on November 10, 1975. Marines knew him as The Bear. While on convalescent leave following a severe injury in Desert Storm, he went to college, earning a BA, three Master’s degrees, and three Ph.D.s. When he learned that he was part Crow Indian, he embraced his people and their culture, being named Medicine Man of the tribe. They called him Big Medicine Wolf. BIFF was a Seventy in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, bringing many into the church by his example and strength of testimony.

He loved music, especially rock, playing and singing in bands since his youth. He was a world-class historian who could make any story come to life. His gifts and passions were many, his love unending, his intellect a marvel.

He is survived by his wife, Betty, his son, Biff jr., others who took his last name to honor him as their father, and at least four grandkids.

He was preceded in death by his parents, grandparents, his most trusted friend, Jamal, and too many fine Marines.

And BINGO Was His NAME-O

Once a year my work puts on an employee appreciation luncheon. It is an opportunity for our senior leadership to thank us for all of the hard work that we have shown in the last year, yada, yada, yada. You get the picture. Well, to liven everything up, a few years ago, I suggested that we play some BINGO. I was joking, but they took me seriously because they view me as mister fun and excitement. What can I say, I work with a bunch of engineers. They hired me on the spot and now year after year it is my job assigment to be the annual BINGO caller.


So tomorrow, I am hosting the seventh annual BINGO event. It has actually been kind of fun and I have added my own twists to it. Its kind of been a combination of 'deal or no deal', 'let's make a deal', 'the price is right', and 'the Apprentice' or was that 'the Bachelor'. Whatever ever it is, it is the one with the married guy acting single with the wacky hairdo. There is nothing like being able to fire your boss, even if it is pretend.



It is amazing to see that there is actually something that gets people more worked up into a frenzy than a 4:00 a.m. after Christmas sale at Walmart. All you need is a little gambling with free money. I usually get a pocket full of $1 bills donated to me that I use to try and buy some nice prizes back from the winners. It's amazing how someone will give up a $100 gift for 10-$1 bills.

Then I remember how these are the same people who voted in our last election and I get really depressed.

The Magic Number is 1.6

Sometimes I wonder if people are setting me up, just to see how I will answer them, so they can laugh at me or if I truly am the straight guy in a comedy routine. Here are two sound bites from recent conversations that I had with a couple of people surrounding the race I ran on the 4th of July:

Conversation One:

Person One: "Hey, what race did you run?"

Me: "The 10k"

Person One: "How far do you run in that race?"

Me: (Not knowing if I'm getting caught in a trap for stating the obvious or if they really wanted to know if I knew that it was 6.2 miles. So I took a gamble and kept up with the straight face routine and said), "10k."

Conversation Two:

Person Two: What race did you run?

Me: The 10k.

Person Two: Did you see that amazing runner that blew everyone away, with the great stride, cross the finish line?

Me: (Worried if I was falling into another trap). "No, that would have meant that I won the race."

From both of their reactions, there must have been option three to these situations...I'm an idiot.

Can You Hear Me Yet?

One of the necessary evils in life is the periodic trip to the local Jiffy Lube for an oil change, and if you are really lucky you get to add in emissions and inspection at the same time. Today was such a lucky day. The long wait is painful enough on its own, but worse than that is suffering through the poor phone etiquette. They place you in a small waiting room, where anything that is said is unfortunately heard. Here are some excerpts from two phone calls I was forced to listen to:

Call One:

Lady: Hey, I'm going to be late, this is taking forever, some jerk got here before me (I'm guessing this is me, because I could see no other jerk besides me there that got there before her)

Call Two: (This guy actually made this call with the speaker phone on)

Guy: I just called the pharmacy and they said that they didn't have my (some drug). I really need it because I am starting to have a panic attack.

Doctor's Office: Oh yes, we want to get you that order called in for you, because we know how bad the last one was. We don't want you to cause any harm to yourself or anyone else around you like last time.

At this point, I kind of had mixed emotions if it was a good thing or a bad thing that I had become so personally acquainted with these people.

I know that I wanted to get on the phone with my doctor and say, "Hey, this is the jerk. I think I'm about ready to have a panic attack."

Has anyone else had any interesting phone conversations that you have overheard?