Honey, Let's Move to Just East of the Philipinnes

I was just thinking about the pros and cons of living in Costa Rica. I had just looked at all of the wonderful pictures that my brother and sister in-law (Jake and Rebekah) recently posted of their home in Costa Rica. Also, another set of bro and sis in-laws (Joey and Katie) just visited there and experienced some rains from the tail-end of former hurricane Matthew. So I was wondering how prone to hurricanes is Costa Rica?

The answer is...not very. If you look at the top chart which is a map of all the tropical storms in the last 150 years (up to 2006). If you look real closely, Costa Rica basically has no storms that have tracked straight over the country. They may get some of the tail edge rains, but no dangerous killer winds. Honduras and Nicaragua are not so fortunate, but even for them most hurricanes are downgraded to tropical storms or depressions by the time they hit shore. Even if storms form as far south as Costa Rica, such as with Matthew, they always head north before they get there. See Below.

Costa Rica is blessed and it can thank the Coriolis Effect for it. It is the blessing of being close to the equator.

Swerve This Dumb Dog!

The car gods are against us. First Jenny has a close encounter of the dog kind a couple of days ago, just narrowly avoiding death and mayhem (including all involved: Jenny, Andrew, and the dog). We were all relieved that they were ok (dog excluded). Big O tires is grateful that we are addicted to spending money at their business.

Lesson taught by everyone: hit the dog after yelling "Dumb Dog!". In practice more easily said than done. I don't think that there is a raging dog killer instinct within us all. Most of us, I think, sadly fall in the category of 'Monday morning dog vehicle homicide road rage quarterbacking.' Instinct generally kicks in and we usually kill ourselves before we stop and think, "what is the right thing to do?" Though, I have heard that violent video games can cure you of this bad habit.

Alas, I digress. Back to the punitive car gods. Yesterday, while minding my own business while driving down the interstate, a large piece of metal decided to jump out of a truck ahead of me. Before I could yell, "Dumb piece of metal!" (my memory might be a little foggy, but I don't think those are the actual words I said), I tried to swerve within the confines of crowded traffic. The metal chased me down like a lion on a wildebeest on the Serengeti. It snagged my back tire shredding my tire to pieces and bent my rim.

Life's lessons are a cruel irony. Jenny swerves, misses dog, and seriously damages car #1. Rex is unable to swerve enough, hits metal, and seriously damages car #2. What's the lesson to be learned...Who the heck knows?

Well, I get the car off the road and work feverishly to get the spare on before some crazed inattentive driver tags me. Just as I was finishing up, a highway patrolman pulls up. This is how our conversation went:

Patrolman: I saw a piece of metal in the road
Me: Yup. me too. too late.
Patrolman: I threw it off the road
Me: Thanks
Patrolman: You good?
Me: Yup (only stating the obvious)

We both went on our own merry ways. I get to Big O and walk in to hear a cheery, "Hi, Rex". We're on a first name basis. "You just missed your wife," who had only picked up the other car minutes ago. He took one look at the tire and said, "I don't think we can salvage that." "What?, but the valve stem is in such good shape". There literally was not much left to the tire. Was this 'state the obvious day', and someone had forgotten to send me the memo?

Well, they replaced the tire, pounded out the rim, and sent me on my way. As I was finishing up the paperwork for the loan to pay for everything, the Bid O guy said, "Don't worry about rotating your tires." What? Did these new types of tire not need rotating? "No," he said, "You destroy them before you ever hit the mileage before they need it."

I wanted to say, "Dumb Big O Guy!"

I'm thinking of self imposing a three day waiting period on driving all our cars after any time we have any car 'incidents' in the future. At least that way we can more easily identify each separate 'incident' on the credit card billing.

What You Talkin' 'bout Willis?

We now have a teenage daughter with a driver's license. So, it was my privilege to call the insurance company to add her to the insurance. I was all proud in the fact that we got the good student discount, the pay online discount, the multiple vehicle discount, the never having filed a claim discount, and the combine with your home insurance discount.

I waited patiently as the drum roll began and the final total was announced. The insurance lady actually said it with a straight face, but my insurance went up 131%!!! That means doubled with 31% more tacked on top of that.

What the.....

You Sank My Battleship

Quality family bonding time is highly treasured at our home. Take for instance last week when we had a few minutes to burn and we wanted to make some lasting memories. So, we decided to indulge ourselves in a rousing game of online Battleship. Thank goodness that I had all four of my children helping me make all of the important tactical decisions. Admiral Nimitz in all of his glory could not have had as good of advisers in the Second World War.

At first it looked like disaster for my small little team. The adversary, Luckygirl208, seemed too great a foe for us to handle. We were down 4 ships to 1 before we knew what hit us. We had to act fast and hard, but it looked like time was running out on us. Fortunately, our Battle Cruiser was well hidden.

This is when the greatest of Harris brain power kicked in. All the little munchkins took right over and started barking out orders left and right. We got our first significant hits, the other side missed. One by one we continued to get hits and the other side missed. The enemy stepped it up a notch and started to systematically eliminate any spaces on the board that would allow a three-spaced ship to hide.

We had momentum on our side, it was looking like we just might have a chance until it happened. Luckgirl208 hit the middle of my cruiser. It seemed that all was lost. We had not as yet located their last ship: the dreaded, and hard to hit PT boat. We pulled together our collective brain power, studied the charts, and made the best educated guess that we could to hit that dang little critter. Splash! we missed.

They were next. They had a choice, left or down. Splash! They chose....unwisely. In desperation Little Andrew took over and made me, against my better judgment, make a choice right in the middle of the board. Hit! He was right, against all odds we hit the PT.

It was their turn again. No guessing this time. There were only two places that they could actually go. Hit on the top and hit on the bottom. They chose top. Hit! There next shot would sink the last of our fleet down to the bottom of the Hasbro ocean.

It was our final chance. We had two choices: left or down. The same choice that the enemy had only just moments ago made wrong. Rachel, with full confidence suggested down. She said that Luckygirl208 always chose the position of a PT as vertical in the bottom half of the hour (I later found out that this was a total bluff, as she would have not known who the heck Luckygirl208 was, anyway).

I hesitated, first thinking of going down, then changing my thought to left. Time was running out. Did I have it in me to make the tough choice? The clock clicked down: 5,4,3,2. With final resolve, I hit the key. I chose....down. Hit! We had sunk the boat, and the last of the enemy fleet went to the bottom. We had won. Achieving the greatest 'come from behind' victory in the history of Battleship. There was jumping up and down, hugs, and high-five's all around.

We all came a little bit closer to each other that day.

Work Less - Live Longer

A recent study has shown that if you work until you are 65 you will only live 18 more months, on the average, after retirement. Also, your creativity peaks at age 32.

With that in mind, I guess I am doomed to die young because I am not smart enough to retire.



Table 1 – Actuarial Study of life span vs. age at retirement.

Age at Retirement------------Average Age you'll Die
49.9----------------------------------86.0
51.2----------------------------------85.3
52.5----------------------------------84.6
53.8----------------------------------83.9
55.1----------------------------------83.2
56.4----------------------------------82.5
57.2----------------------------------81.4
58.3----------------------------------80.0
59.2----------------------------------78.5
60.1----------------------------------76.8
61.0----------------------------------74.5
62.1----------------------------------71.8
63.1----------------------------------69.3
64.1----------------------------------67.9
65.2----------------------------------66.8

Utah State Hey! Aggies all the Way

It has been 17 years since Utah State University has beaten BYU, and it has almost been 40 years since BYU has had such a poor start to a football season. I just happened to choose the right game to attend. Way to go AGGIES!!!




Fans Letting the teams know who was going to win.


Fans unleash the winning team/losing team cheer.



What else was there to do but storm the field after the victory.

Thanks go to Alicia my daughter for the spur of the moment video taping.

Taking that Big Saddle to the Sky

Behold the sexy sleek new Skyrider.

You gotta be kidding me. I don't know what scares me more, the look of these seats or the fact that some people actually think that these are a good idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about a little discomfort if it's going to save me a reasonable amount of money. Forget the leg cramps, the simple economics of this just does not make any sense to me.

They say that they can increase capacity on an airplane by 40%. If you think that means that you are going to save 40% or more on a ticket, you got to be smoking something. I have to admit that when you start talking about saving 60% on an airline ticket, I start to get giddy and as far as I'm concerned, they could strap me on the wing and I would be happy. But...let's look at the math.

Let's consider that the 40% can be viewed equally as 40% more money to deal with. First of all, just because they can fit 40% more people doesn't mean that they will convert the whole plane to a stock yard. What? Are they going to make first class special by adding spurs, a cup holder, and a free unwedgie service at the end of the flight. I think not. So let's be over generous and say that they add 20% capacity to a flight.

Next, more people means more weight. More weight means more power and fuel to keep that thing aloft. I'll be kind and just say 5% there. Oh, and what about the new carry on dilemma. As you can see, you no longer can place anything below your seat because the only thing that is below your seat now is your feet. So now all that has to go above in the overhead bins, but wait, there are more people now in the cattle car so you will have to check more luggage. Another 10%.

Lastly, the only reason why an airline would do this is so they could increase their profit margin. How about 4.75%. Guess what? This leaves the passed on savings to you as 0.25% or about $1.00 on a good 3-hour flight. Is it worth it? Maybe for the quads workout you'll get, but other than that, I think that is a little shy of what I would need to make my tailbone happy with the imposition.

You know, the scariest thing about this is that the federal government may weigh in on the issue. In this day and age of 'no amount of constitutional rights can ever make a wrong', the president may launch a campaign to free us from the tyranny of oppressive air travel, and state that every American has the right to affordable air travel. Thus, countless billions will be given to the airline industry to upgrade all airplanes with these new seats, and without any real cost savings to you, you will be forced to ride the 'saddle'.

YEE-HAW!!!!

P.S. By the way, the lady up above is actually taking more room than she is allowed. You might notice that she would not fit in the row behind her.

Investigative Reporting at it's Finest

Well, I made the return to the spot of the mysterious encounter from the last post. This time I took along reinforcements in the daylight. If you are wondering, the picture is of my reinforcements, my friend Brett, and not the lurking unidentified creature.
I found that there was absolutely nothing at the spot that would have been reflective, no signs of any human encampment, or anything else that seemed strange. There were some animal bones that were maybe several months old, but did not look like freshly eaten meat. It had rained heavy the night before so there were no tracks left behind.

So, the mystery remains.

Presently here is the vote tally for what people think it was

(15) Mountain Lion
(6) Bear
(3) Coyote
(2) Moose
(2) Wolf
(1) Bigfoot
(1) Human
(1) My Imagination

I voted once on everything.


Here is a photo of the area we hiked in.

Things that go Bump in the Night

Of course most things I write must be taken with a grain of salt, and I promise that I really am a normal functional adult, but then again that's what all delusional people say. Regardless, I love a good story and here is my attempt at one.

I decided on Labor day to take a hike into the mountains not far from my home. For some reason, I sometimes like to hike alone, which I understand is not always the best thing to do. but hey, it always presents a good opportunity for stories that, of course, no one can dispute.

I hit the trail head at 5:00 a.m. and donned a head lamp (in fact I donned two). It was pitch black. It would take me about 1 1/2 hours to get into some steep rugged area, which is how long I would be in total darkness. So, I figured everything would work out just great. One hour into the hike is where the strangeness began.

I was nearly 2 miles away from the nearest anything when I noticed a little fleck of light ahead of me several hundred yards. I only saw it for a brief time until it disappeared. The thought that occurred to me was that it was probably a reflector on a fence post or something like that. When I got within about 100 yards, the little light appeared again. This time I could see that the little light was clearly moving around.

My first thought was that there was someone up ahead of me, with a head lamp on, walking around a campsite. It seemed really strange, though, because I could clearly see that my light was projecting light out in front of me, but this other light was not. It could only be a really weak light that was not projecting any noticeable light out in front of it. That's when I made another huge realization. When I turned my light away, the other light disappeared. So clearly it was reflecting my light, but it was moving over a pretty good sized area. So out went the theory of a something reflective hanging in a tree.

It was very ethereal and did not seem to fit anything that would appear to be reasonable. The light moved with purpose, though. It would move up and then over, hold that position and then turn away. That's when I noticed that not only was I looking at one strange light but two: these were eyes. I stood there for 15 minutes watching this phenomena not clearly being able to determine what it was. If it was something living, it clearly was not moving away, though it would have known that I was watching it.

A couple of times, I thought that I could make out a silhouette of something with broad shoulders, though I couldn't be sure that my eyes weren't playing a trick on me. This thing was slightly off the trail into some trees, that if I passed by, I would come within about 40 yards of. I didn't want to pass by until I knew for sure I knew what it was. I didn't want to get above it on the trail, only to have it cut off my escape back down the mountain towards safety.

Then another thought occurred to me. Whatever it was knew I was there because my light was shining right towards it, but it was not going anywhere. So, maybe my light was the only thing keeping it from coming to have an encounter with me. As soon as it was light enough for my head lamp to not block me from direct view, whatever it was that was out there might just come down and visit me.

That's when I decided that my hike was over and I turned around and made the hour long walk back to the car, only with the occasional look over my shoulder for good measure.

Curiosity has me, though, so I'm heading back up this weekend to check things out.

What's Your Super Power?

I arrive at work early before work hours so I can beat myself up on a treadmill. In getting to the weight room, I walk through the cafeteria where amazingly a couple of vending machines spring into life, as if to tempt me to buy something very unhealthy, as I walk by.

This is not the only place where strange unseen forces are at work. There is a street light on a corner near my house that always either turns off or on when I run by. I scared the living hee-bee gee-bees out of my kids once on a walk that went by this light. I told them that I bet the light would go out when we walked by. When it went out my second to the oldest daughter started screaming uncontrollably. I told them that it was my super power.

The vending machines at work almost had myself convinced that I could turn anything off or on at will by just my presence. Maybe, I had been bitten by a radio-active hobo spider at home. Should I take on a new super hero name like X-ray the Destroyer? My secret identity only known to those who knew the lost ancient language of Pig Latin.

Well, my bubble was burst when I realized that the vending machines had a motion sensor attached to save electricity when no one was around.

But wait. This doesn't solve the street light phenomena. Just maybe...


Does anyone else have any super powers?

Etymology Test Results

So, the answer to the quiz is that with the right argument, you could justify the use of any of those spellings of the plural of octopus. The most correct, though, according to Mr. Webster is octopuses. The order of most common usage goes as follows: octopuses, octopi, octopodes. The last one is pronounced awk top' oh dees'.

Look it up on wikipedia for the longer version of the history of the spelling.

Thanks for playing.

Never ask me why I needed to know the correct usage of octopuses. It is just better that you think that I'm normal (that's bound to get a comment from my wife, Jenny).

Etymology 101

Without looking it up, do you know the proper plural word for octopus?

A. Octopuses
B. Octopedes
C. Octopodes
D. Octopi

Support your answer. Are you brave enough to try it without looking it up?

Just for your information, the blog spot spell check is a little confused about this word.

Do You Have the Number for Bunny Adoptive Services on You?

Our oldest daughter, Alicia, has been practicing driving, getting ready to get her license. We recently drove to Bear Lake for a short trip and Alicia wanted to drive. I thought that this would be a good experience for her because of the mountain terrain that we would drive through.

I told her how important it was for her to keep an eye out for wildlife so that she could slow down if she was coming up on animals because of the unpredictable nature of these critters. Not too much after I said this, that a jack rabbit darted out from the side of the road and we hit it before Alicia could even react. Feeling slightly traumatized by the experience she asked me what she should have done. I told her to 'take them out' (emphasizing the fact that it was safer for us to hit it than to make a quick over correction that could cause us to crash).

A little voice came from the back seat from my little five-year old boy who said, "but what if it was a mother?" Not wanting Alicia to second guess her safe choice of not putting us head-on into oncoming traffic, I said, "Well, I guess there are a few orphans now."

In hind sight, I think that calloused approach may have traumatized the whole family, who all wanted to go back and find the survivors so that they could take care of them.

Beauty Sleep in Ten Minute Chunks

BEEP!...BEEP!...BEEP!. If I hear that alarm go off one more time, I think that I might huck it out the window. I know that it is not right to "throw someone under the bus", but I need help in understanding what this girl is thinking.

This girl is my oldest daughter, who for some reason sets her alarm every night to go off early in the morning. The first strange thing with this is that it is summer and she sleeps until mid-morning. The next strange thing is that the alarm will go off and beep for minutes at a time and then instead of shutting it off, will hit the snooze alarm repeatedly so that we can enjoy this occurrence every ten minutes for the next couple of hours.

Even during the school year she will set her alarm 1-1 1/2 hours before she needs to get up and continues to hit the snooze alarm, until finally, after the rest of the family has been rudely awakened for the last couple of hours, will turn it off. Upon questioning her why she does this, she says that she does it so if for some chance that if she decides to get up earlier she can. BUT SHE NEVER DOES!!!

I feel sorry for the rest of the family who experiences this every day (Saturday and Sundays included). I only have to endure it when I don't leave very early in the morning to work.

Is there some rational thought to this behavior or do I need to have some alarm clock intervention?

Rapid Ride

This is an actual bootlegged photo of our group




Here are two clips from a quick run up to the Snake River for a few river runs with some friends at work. One of my buddies sat out one ride to take these videos with his droid.

I am the one with the big white hat in the back of the boat in the first clip (the only one that didn't get tossed around like a rag doll and could keep paddling through the rapid).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujeI_fXrVtI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlJiQHKqhTw

Top Trip Stories

So we had the greatest time on our 6500 mile cross country trip. Jenny is posting all the good stories on her blog so make sure you stop in to read them. We had many great memories from the trip. The kids experienced a lot of things for the first time, as well as the parents. Below is listed the snippets of 50 topics each with their own story. When I got writing them, many more than 50 popped out, but I will start with just these. Feel free to ask us about the stories that go with them when you have some free time to be bored out of your gourd.



1. Cloud-to-cloud lightning: Do you think we'll get struck?
2. I can't believe my eyes, 10,000,000 fire flies.
3. Smokey Mountain Memories with screaming waterfalls.
4. Mini-me Mississippi at Mud Island.
5. Salamanders, crawfish, and tadpoles, oh my!
6. Humidity Humility.
7. Turnpike = $20+ toll
8. Living in an Amish Paradise.
9. Changing of the Yelling Guard.
10. Misfiring 19 gun salute.
11. How many Tom Sawyers can one town hold anyway?
12. Hail of a storm; Ouch! I think that's going to leave a mark.
13. Why does no one pay attention when police helicopters buzz you in Chicago?
14. Sir, this is a private party, you'll have to pee elsewhere.
15. Niagra's lesser known falls.
16. Please sir, can I have my free stuff now.
17. 2 information people: The non busy one directs you to talk to the busy one.
18. Clearance Requirements for outdoor parking.
19. Did you know that you can use microwaves for free at gas stations?
20. Leaving the country without a passport.
21. Running on empty in Kansas.
22. Being bold in Boulder with a politically incorrect gas guzzler.
23. Find that huge snail a home.
24. Family camping for 365 days plus your own lawn ornaments: smoking required.
25. Arkansas and Michigan for 2 minutes.
26. Zip Line camping.
27. Erie rock skipping.
28. Lady Liberty has a stunt double in Pennsylvania.
29. Body surfing on the Susquehanna.
30. Hersey's two candy bars for the price of none.
31. No room at the inn in Country Music's Capitol.
32. A date with Thomas Jefferson after hours.
33. We're sorry, we just reached capacity. Thanks for waiting in the hot sun for nothing.
34. Watch where you are going you bratty clueless teenagers.
35. You got a problem; Just protest at the White House.
36. The Grand 'Ole Opry is under good new water.
37. Teddy's almost unknown monument.
38. Peabody's Duckies
39. Using other states for your fireworks needs.
40. State Bagging.
41. Not all state capitols are on hills.
42. If you have a Little Ceasar's we'll stop in your town.
43. Don't make eye contact or make any sudden movements.
44. Please, can we have your worst smelling smoking room with the windows shot out?
45. 4 for 4 for Church on Sundays.
46. What? you have closing hours at your laundromat. That is so non white trash.
47. Would you fill out this comment card for the hundreth time.
48. Doughnut pillows rule.
49. Can I have seconds on rice milk cereal?
50. Lebanese Fries.

Does Lightning Strike Twice?

Usually when I sneeze once I know that a second one is coming. It seems like most things come in twos. Like when we watched a Disney Show made for teens, yesterday, our daughter immediately started watching it again. The same was true when I was working out in the yard. When I accidentally cut the electrical line for my sprinklers, I did it again the second time shortly after repairing the first mishap. I also hit the back of my hand in the same spot twice, within minutes, with a hammer; each misguided stroke just as powerful as the one before.



I had another unfortunate experience recently on our 'whirl-wind across the country tour' vacation. It had been at least 10 years since I had been pulled over by a police officer, so I guess that I was overdue for one of those choice occurrences. We happened to be in Indiana at the time. It seemed that the odds were stacked against us for leniency, when the trooper was greeted by a car whose contents were in the final chaotic state of being in decay for three long weeks. We couldn't find the registration, he lectured our oldest daughter in the back, who didn't have her seat belt securely fastened. I also was reprimanded for not staying in my lane as I almost went into evasive maneuvers as I saw a car coming up onto my tail at an extreme rate of speed about to ram me. It turned out to be the Trooper without his lights on, driving near the speed of sound. (Darn it all, if your going to drive like the rest of us maniacs, at least turn your lights on so we can tell who you are.)


Luckily, we were spared a ticket. We walked away from the incident with only a warning. Jenny attributes it to the fact that when she was searching for the registration in the glove box she pulled out a bible in clear view of the Officer. It may have been all of the scared and sad looking faces in the car (well, at least my face); or may have simply been that, with all of our infractions, they would have to impound our Sturgeon (Ford Excursion)which is the size of half the state of Rhode Island, and they just didn't have that size of acreage available.

So, when we I was pulled over again within a few days of getting home from our trip, I wasn't too worried about getting a ticket, because this double mint deja vu thing that I got going on meant that another warning was on it's way. So when I was handed the ticket I was a little bit surprised.

Maybe I shouldn't have handed him the bible with my driver's license tucked into the pages like a book mark.

The Boss Dropped a Bomb in Staff Meeting Today

My good friend Bert works at the pentagon in a very highly classified program that involves delivery of WMDs (Weapons of Mass Destruction) to NVFNs (not very friendly nations). He recently told me that he has been reassigned for another year to work for a Senator from Arizona. I don't know if this seems odd to anyone, but isn't it a bit strange to have a member of Congress with his own personal tactical nuclear weapons specialist?

Who knows, maybe they come in handy at the weekend barbecue or for an undocumented worker exchange program?

Spar Me Matey, ARGH!!!

It's called spar. It's a form of competitive debate where one person takes an affirmative stance and the other the negative to a random topic. They are only given a minute to prepare to become experts on subjects they may have never thought about in their life. They might have had strong opinions to the contrary but now have to defend their opposing view to the death. You have to be quick on your feet to counter the arguments of your opponent even if you actually, in reality, agree with them. Rumor has it that this is the type of debate that married couples excel at.

I recently got to experience some Jr. and Sr. High School students competing in Spar at a debate tournament that my daughter was competing in. One particular spar debate peaked my interest. It was because of the topic that was chosen for the two fine young men who were anxious to show off their reasoning skills. The topic wasn't like a lot of the other one's; such as the need for math to be taught in every grade, state's rights vs. federal power, etc. No, this one, I thought, was rather unique: flying ability vs. super human strength.

You would have thought that these kids had died and gone to heaven. It was a nerd's paradise dream come true. No offense to these kids mothers, but they were the ultimate nerds. The stars must have aligned because I don't know how they got paired and how they just happened to catch this topic, but I knew I was in for a treat.

To even make things better (as if that could really happen), These two boys literally looked like Kip and Napoleon Dynamite. Here's how part of the debate went from the best that I can recollect:

Napoleon: I would chose flying ability because of it's versatility. You can go short distances or longer distances, say like if you need to fly halfway around the world.

Kip: Flying doesn't have versatility. Like all you can do is fly. With super human strength you can run real fast. So, getting places really isn't a problem.

Napoleon: What if obstacles were in your way? With flying ability, if something got in your way you could just...you could just fly around it.

Kip: With super human strength if you had a mountain in your way, you could just pick it up and move it.

Napoleon: (Sensing a fatal flaw in Kip's reasoning, Napoleon jumps in for some major point scoring) Hey, if you picked up a mountain, you could cause a rock slide or something. What if someone was living on that mountain, did you think about that? Flying is eco-friendly. With super human strength you're going to cause environmental disasters. Plus flying ability is good for every day stuff, like if there was something on a top shelf that you needed you could...you could just fly up and get it.

Kip: That's nothing, with super human strength I would just jump and get it.

Napoleon: Well, commonly when people refer to super human strength, they are talking about upper body. No one thinks legs as being part of super human strength. It's all over the D.C. Comics.

Kip: So you're saying that you get all of your information from D.C. Comics? Everyone knows that if you want information about super human strength you have to consult Marvel Comics. It says that you can run fast, swim fast, that's a whole lot more than you can do. You can only fly.


Well, you get the gist of it. This is how they went on non-stop for the entire debate. It took all of my super human skills to not bust a gut. To be honest, I don't know who won the debate. I am sure that it will be a topic that will be discussed for many more years to come. Forget about Roe Vs. Wade, maybe some day this discussion will be raised to the supreme court and all of our future ethical decisions will be based off of FA Vs. SHS. (pronounced faw vee shiz)

The Sweet Sounds of Successful Cook-Offs

My youngest daughter was performing a musical number together with one of her friends at a church activity. When I ran up to catch the performance I discovered that the church activity also included a chili cook-off.

I was nabbed as a non-biased judge and was told to sample twenty different pots of chili. I started out eating bowls full, then slowed to spoonfuls, and finally just sampled one bean at a time.

I thought that I was going to burst from the built up pressure.

After they announced the winners, they offered a special thanks to the judges who quietly went about all their efforts. I slowly leaned over to the guy next to me and said, "I have a stinkin' feeling that's all going to change tonight."

It would take all my efforts to go about quietly.

An Inconvienient Non-Truth, part deux

I know that I should let this one go, but I have to put in one more jab.

I noticed since we gained that extra hour of light from Day Light Saving Time that the snow in my yard has been melting much faster.

In Newfoundland they actually move two hours when they go onto Day Light Saving Time. No wonder the polar ice caps are melting.

You can make a difference in the world, though. You can purchase what I am calling Time Piece Footprint Credits. Just send me $100 every spring to purchase your yearly credit. When you have purchased your credit, you can move your clock ahead guilt free. With every purchased credit I will rotate my own special clock back one hour to compensate for your careless disregard for the environment.

NOTE: One credit must be purchased for each clock that you own.

An Inconvienient Non-Truth

My Mother-in-Law's least favorite day of the year is coming up this weekend on March 14th. It is the introduction of Daylight Saving Time which is coming earlier than ever before. My Mother-in-Law dreads the day because she loses an hour that she feels like she never catches back up on until we go back to standard time.

I guess she is not the only one who despises the time change. A recent article in the paper was written by a lady who was complaining about the short comings of Daylight Saving Time. Her strongest argument against the change was that the extra hour of light always causes her lawn to burn up.

Well, there you have it. The first reasonable argument for the man-made (Congressional) cause of global warming.

I personally love Daylight Saving Time.

Spanky's Revenge

There is a special sound that is made when a wrapper is removed from a piece of chocolate that only someone less than the age of ten can hear. How they acquire this skill I'll never know. Such was the circumstances that I found myself in a couple of days ago.

I looked around and made sure that the coast was clear when I snuck a bite-sized Snickers bar from my wife's secret stash. Just as I was unwrapping this little treat, I looked up to see my five year old staring at me from across the room.

"I'm going to tell mom," he said with a little air of authority. I said, "Now you wouldn't want to tattle on dad, would you?" I could see that there was no backing down, so I went to plan B: "Hey, how about having one with me?" I blurted out in desperation. After a short pause he conceded and said, "Okay." So then I got another and tossed it to him.

That is where I got cocky. Trying to make sure that I had all of my bases covered I added the comment, "So now you can't tell mommy on me because you're having one too." Well, he wouldn't have anything to do with that type of extortion so he hucked the candy bar back at me.

At this point, I knew my goose was cooked, so I suppressed all my guilt and ate my candy bar anyway bracing myself for the inevitable outcome. Sure enough, the little spanker ratted me out. I could see the pleasure in his eyes as he gave the full account to mommy. It's that same look mommy got when she knew that she could get after daddy for taking the candy. They must be related.

My kids are much better at being an adult than I am.

Retro #8 Missed out on Olympic Gold

My dad often told us kids things we believed without hesitation. We would re-tell these things to our friends and with a 'cross your heart and hope to die' defend these things as the gospel truth. In retrospect, I see that my father loved to pull our legs and didn't mean us any harm. Still...when I was young, they were so believable and I wanted them to be true.

In honor of the Olympics here is one of my dad's yarns:

I once was asked to compete in the Olympics in speed skating, but I had to turn down the offer because I didn't own a pair of skates.

In all honesty, I find myself doing this same thing with my kids.

Does anyone else have memories of things that you thought were real as a kid but realized when you grew up that things weren't quite as real as you imagined them?

The Finer Art of Riding Snowmobiles

My good friend from work, Frank, asked me if I wanted to go snowmobiling with him. At first I declined because I was a little bit nervous about the whole concept seeing that I have been on a snowmobile like once in my life. See, Frank owns a Ski-Doo dealership, so in my mind Frank and his friends = cool; me = dweeb. Frank assured me that I had nothing to fear because when they go riding they 'ride for the group', which is supposed to mean something akin to 'no child left behind', and we all know how well that works. So, with a little trepidation, I agreed to go, hoping for the best or an early breakdown, whichever saved my bacon first.

We drove to a remote location near the Utah/Idaho border. The whole time as we kept getting further from civilization, I was thinking about how long I would have to 'hold on' until life flight could get to me. We arrived at the arranged spot to find that 'the group' was all there in their trucks with names like F-750-gazillion or Ram Destroyer of smallish girly-man trucks. These trucks were pulling trailers the size of Noah's ark.

The next thing that happened seemed to be a scene straight out of the movie 'The Right Stuff' where the astronauts put on their space suits in slow motion in anticipation of a historic rocket ride to the moon. Everything matched; everything had logos; everything was black; everything looked like it would withstand temperatures up to 5000 degrees Fahrenheit. Were they planning on a pleasant day of riding or breaking the latest land speed records?

Next came the 'sleds'. They opened a side door on our trailer that looked like one of twenty-five possible escape hatches that could be used in the need of a quick get away. Just from the look of them you could tell that they had power, and it was all that they could do to hold back on the reins to keep them from escaping back into the wild. Frank gave me the quick reader's digest version of the lifetime knowledge needed to operate one of these beasts. He said,"Here's the accelerator on this side. The break's on the other side, but ignore it and all of the other buttons, switches, and safety devices." As an after thought he did point out to me the button that turned on the hand warmer. Later on I wished that he would have shown me the button that would clean itself up after I soiled myself after a few fearsome vertical ascents that we made (but I am getting ahead of myself).

I next noticed a couple of interesting things. The speedometer on my sled went up to 200. What was up with that? If a snowmobile was meant to go that fast wouldn't they have been born with retractable wings, an altimeter, and in flight drink service. I probably shouldn't speak too quickly, probably next year's model will. I also noticed that the model name for my sled was Summit. No doubt this name came from the fact that it could reach the top of Mount Everest without the aid of a Sherpa or oxygen. I also noticed that my sled only had about 50 miles on it. Frank said that I got to work for him today. Sometimes they have companies buy sleds but they don't want to pick them up until they have about 300 miles on them. This is so all of the early kinks and problems are worked out before they get them. If they ever needed to say,"this little beauty has only been driven back and forth to church by a little old lady", they had the right man, so to speak.

I looked around and noticed one of the other sleds had advertising stickers all over it and the name of the rider emblazened on the side. Could it be that once you reach snowmobiling Nirvana that they start naming sleds after you? I later found out that he was a professional rider that was on the hill climbing circuit. If only I had known as a kid that I could have gone pro, I would have picked up the sport well before the age of 40.

The other interesting thing that I noticed about these sleds is that some of them had huge saddle bags strapped to the back ends. I mean these were the size of body bags. Then the thought occurred to me if this was what they were planning to haul me out in. At first I was relieved to find out that these storage containers were actually for their favorite beverage of choice: beer. Upon this realization, a whole new set of worries entered my mind. No wonder their trailers were the size of aircraft carriers. I almost thought that it would have been easier just to strap a kegger to each sled. Thankfully, I kept this suggestion to myself seeing that they probably would have done this for their next ride. I guess there was some versatility in this setup. They could still use the beer holders as body bags as long as they consumed all of the alcohol first.

Well, upon topping off our tanks with pure testosterone, we headed out. I was gratefully surprised that we started out on a pace that I could actually keep up with. I quickly learned that snowmobiles have a mind of their own. For some reason they always want to go down hill regardless of the direction that you want to travel. You have to show them who is the boss. You do this by throwing your weight around and by standing and sitting on your sled in every conceivable way and position. Me being a little naive, thought that they put seats on these things so you could sit down and enjoy the ride. I still have a lot to learn about snowmobile assertiveness.

Just as I was starting to get the hang of this, they all stopped in a group. This was to become the first beer break. This was to be the pattern for the whole day: ride for 30 minutes and then stop and have a few beers. I also noticed that after every stop, the next riding segment became a little more aggressive. At the end of the first break we were facing a steep mountain side. I thought to myself, "well, I guess that we need to turn around and head back." Of course I was wrong. First, one went straight up the side of what seemed to be an insurmountable cliff. Then another and another, until there were ten snowmobiles flitting around on the side of the mountain criss-crossing in what I would describe as chaotic symmetry.

This is how the day went, periods of kicked back beer guzzling followed by the most amazing feats of snowmobiling that I could ever imagine. It was actually quite amazing. These guys had some serious snowmobiling skills. The two most memorable feats for me was first, when one guy went airborne about twenty feet in the air off a hill and then landing on the back end of the snowmobile in some deep powder and then immediately spinning around in four or five pirouettes before driving seamlessly away. The other was when a guy was on a near vertical face and laid his sled on its side and started spinning in tight circles like a ferris wheel.

Once a guy stopped and asked if I wanted to take a shot at one particular hill. With my quick witted thinking skills I told him that I needed to baby the machine that I was on for Frank. He said that he would let me take his sled. Without losing a breath I blurted out that I had broken my leg and that I needed a little more time for it to heal. Whew, disaster averted.

We eventually made our way into a deep steep canyon with no exit. The only way out was back up a very long and steep hill. Here was my chance to prove all of my skills that I had developed over the last two hours. I failed miserably at getting out three times. After each time, I would get a pep talk from each of the other riders as they all gave me advice like, "When it looks like all hope is lost and you are getting thrashed around on the sled, just open it up and give it all that she has. Your sled knows the way home and if you can hold on she'll take you to the top." I must have found some inspiration in those words because on the fourth try I actually made it to the top. There was a mighty round of fist pumping in celebration and of course another round of beer drinking.

I now had become somewhat of a folk hero. I was now everyone's little buddy, and from henceforth everyone had to keep asking me how I was doing and if I was having fun. As the day came to a close, I did find my skills improving and I actually started catching some air off of some hills. I don't know if it was the exhaust fumes that had started destroying my rational thinking brain cells or if I was just catching the vision of snowmobiling Nirvana.

Whatever it was, I did have fun, but I don't ever see me breaking down to spend all of the money that it takes to ride snowmobiles, and that is just for the beer. Good thing I am not a beer drinker, so I can keep a rationale perspective on the man-toy thing.

Retro #7 We Can Rebuild Him

We were reminiscing about Sunday's of long ago and we started to talk about TV shows that we used to watch on Sunday evening. Besides Walt Disney's Magic Kingdom and Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, The Six Million Dollar Man came to mind.

I'm still a little bit confused about the show and how we constantly pretended that we were Steve Austin with all of the incredible bionic powers. Though he could run at 60 mph, when we would pretend that we were him, we always performed our bionic feats in slow motion.

What's up with that?

I Spy

The other day I had to pick up my daughter from school and take her to the Orthodontist. When we got to her appointment a received a phone call from my boss stating that he needed some information that I had electronically. Fortunately, I had my laptop with me. Unfortunately, I didn't have an air card, as I was planning to work at home on our wireless network.

I didn't have time to drive all the way back to work or to drive home, so I did the next best possible thing. I drove around until I got a signal strong enough from some business's wireless network and emailed the information. I'm not sure what I think about that.

I do know that I felt like a secret agent spy sneaking around and tapping into some terrorist network to thwart a national security threat. (but was I one of the good guy spies?)

Has anyone had any similar type experiences?

One Obit, Not too Legit

My coworker came in to me today with an obituary of his cousin. He said that he wanted me to read it, so I took it. Just as I was about to start reading he said, "by the way, just so you know. I knew this person all my life and I don't think that there is one thing that is true in this." That knowledge made the reading all the more enjoyable. (I changed the names out of respect for the family)

BIFF BROWN

Beloved husband, BIFF, 52 joined his ancestors on Friday, January 22, 2010, In West Point, Utah.

He was born November 9, 1957, to Elva Jones and Ellis Brown in Ahston, Idaho.

He married his eternal love, Betty Johnson, on October 3, 1998, in Dillon, Montana, and they’ve been inseparable ever since. He was a lifelong Marine, starting his training at age 4 with his grandfather, a holder of the Blue Lady, and enlisting on November 10, 1975. Marines knew him as The Bear. While on convalescent leave following a severe injury in Desert Storm, he went to college, earning a BA, three Master’s degrees, and three Ph.D.s. When he learned that he was part Crow Indian, he embraced his people and their culture, being named Medicine Man of the tribe. They called him Big Medicine Wolf. BIFF was a Seventy in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, bringing many into the church by his example and strength of testimony.

He loved music, especially rock, playing and singing in bands since his youth. He was a world-class historian who could make any story come to life. His gifts and passions were many, his love unending, his intellect a marvel.

He is survived by his wife, Betty, his son, Biff jr., others who took his last name to honor him as their father, and at least four grandkids.

He was preceded in death by his parents, grandparents, his most trusted friend, Jamal, and too many fine Marines.

Out of the Closet

I finally decided to dump this





and this

DR. NOOSPHERE

I feel so liberated